


Puppy Brigade

by tigerdust



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerdust/pseuds/tigerdust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto discovers a movie reel in a box of his father's possessions.  And things kind of go downhill from there.  A crack!fic challenge using spells instead of alien technology.  One reviewer called the story "mint" over at ff net, so don't miss out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Fragments of Jack's voice lingered in Ianto's mind. Phrases jumped out at him as he looked around the dusty store room far from the Hub. There might be others out there. We aren't sure if they were even aliens. In old attics and basement, they could be anywhere in any old film. So Ianto had promised himself that he wouldn't let that happen again, couldn't let that happen again. Just saving one was unacceptable. Any loss was unacceptable.

He checked the outside of his tailored suit and then proceeded to throw his coat over a recently-dusted box so it wouldn‘t smudge. The work he was undertaking was dirty. He shuffled about noiselessly until he reached a corner with a forgotten box in it. He took the penknife from out his pocket and ripped away the adhesive seams of tape.

Ianto gingerly opened the flaps to avoid more flowing dust than the room had already required. The box he had opened was marked "Dad's Favorite Things" and inside Ianto found a list he had printed directing him to different things in the box.

Ianto and Jameson Jones hadn't had many things in common, other then their passion for organization. One of those things was history. Museums and galleries were frequented as often as, Ianto could only assume, American kids participated in little league. 

Several silver picture frames leapt out at Ianto’s vision, needing to be retrieved for further preservation. The entire contents needed a good cleaning, truth be told, but the picture frames were in the most dire need. 

At the bottom of the box, Ianto found them. Three reels, two rusted and rotting from a flood last summer that hadn't taken priority with Lisa becoming half a cyber being. The one that remained preserved, he held at a distance, so as not to catch any virus he imagined might live therein. Ianto grimaced as he shut the garage again, making a mental note to sort out all the boxes the next weekend he had free. 

"Who am I kidding? I'll be back next Tuesday now that I see Caradine wasn't kidding about the place," he thought aloud. His cousin Caradine was slightly less fastidious than he, but had come twice and was now bugging Ianto to use his knack for cleaning and organizing to put "Uncle Jay's stuff" in order. Ianto sighed, imagining Caradine in her hippie shawl, chewing away at her gum and doing her best to be stern and yet hip.

As he drove himself back to his flat, Ianto kept doing a double-take at the reel on a towel in the passenger seat, as if he expected something to pop out at him any second. Or possibly a warning, maybe a red flag. A red flag would be nice and simple. Nothing for Ianto Jones is ever that easy. 

He tensed as he set up the reel machine he had borrowed from the Hub, now also implementing the paperwork Jack had insisted on beginning after the incident with Susie. It was too bad Ianto had conveniently forgotten to give the slip to Jack before he had left earlier in the day.

It was leaning towards two am and Ianto yawned as harmless images passed before the screen. Old movie stars leaving airplanes, a couple of news ticks about advancing war, and then the casket of a soldier appearing on screen. At first, Ianto didn't notice the casket beginning to show up in various other places. But when the casket lid conspicuously replaced a coffee table in a shop window for a split second; he jumped up to stop the reel. But not before the next click heralded one last scene.

There was a protest. The casket lay around a ring of flower children and a wreath of what he imagined to be red poppies lay on the center of the symmetrical protest. He squinted and furrowed his brows as he walked a little closer to the screen. The protesters were shouting at someone, angry, but the camera didn't face the audience. Ianto's unusual curiosity won out over his unflappable nature and he moved forward. The casket appeared again and he touched the bed sheet he was using as a screen, transfixed by it. He didn't even notice the lid beginning to move of its own volition.

Suddenly, the wreath turned red. Ianto looked back, stunned, realizing that the black and white reel hadn't suddenly jumped to color, but that he was bleeding. As if he had pricked his finger on a thorn. Ianto sucked a bit of blood from the fresh notch of skin that had been taken. He shook his head, feeling this wave of nausea come towards him. He fell to his knees, his vision swimming, and then his head became cloudy. Silly thoughts entertained him as his vision began to fade. The last thing Ianto Jones remembered was the feeling of his carpet and how grand he remembered it being.

There was a sharp boom that sorted Ianto right from his dream. He was dreaming of Frisbees and parks. He was slightly annoyed and slightly afraid. Thunder? There wasn't any call for rain that he remembered. Ianto yelped slightly, startled by a second boom that forced his eyes to open. As far as he could tell, he was still indeed on the floor.  
He tried walking but failed, it seemed like he had to crawl to get to the door, which had been enlarged about four times its normal size, cascading flickers from the movie lighting hitting it just briefly. A voice echoed, strong and frightening.

"Ianto?"

His heart slowed just briefly. It was Jack. He found that he couldn't stand to open the door, so Ianto did the sensible thing. He tried to yell.

"Ianto? Do you have a puppy in there?"

Ianto furrowed his brow a bit. His yell had rang out as a whiny yelp.

"Ianto? I'm giving you to the count of three. Then I'm breaking down the door!"

No, Jack! I just finished paying off my security deposit! Ianto commiserated with himself helplessly when he found out he couldn't utter a single phrase and could only think what he wanted to say.

"Okay, Ianto! This isn't funny. You can't just hide out at home and not invite me over to hide with you! Where are you?"

Trust me, Ianto thought, this is not funny.

"I'm coming in on the count of three! 1, 3!"

Captain Jack burst through the door and it literally blew Ianto onto his knees. That is, if what he had was knees. Now he knew it was an Alice in Wonderland dream. Jack Harkness was captivating, Lord knows, but he was not, I repeat was not, anywhere near 12 or 13 feet tall! And in black and white.

"Hey, little fella! Do you know where Ianto is?" He reached down for Ianto's head, and Ianto squirmed away from the unnaturally large fingers. Jack frightened him, although he knew the scent.

Jack saw the clothes lying by the machine. It was Jack's turn to furrow his brow and give the puppy a "he did not disobey my orders again" look. The small golden lab yelped and fell backwards again, briefly revealing a sharp black spot that slightly resembled a tie.  
He checked the pockets while the puppy nipped at his heels.

"It's okay boy, I'm not going to steal anything. Just checking for where Daddy might be. Maybe in the shower?" A naughty flicker crossed Jack's eyes and a smile formed on his lips. Maybe in the shower.

"Ianto", Jack whispered, as he headed towards the bathroom, only to leap in with surprise and a puppy at his heels to nothingness. Jack made a mental note to let Ianto know to get his puppy trained. Wait. Ianto had never mentioned a puppy before. Jack looked down and then knelt down, staring back at the brave little puppy who had taken an interest in him.

Jack cocked his head as the puppy began a fearful whimper. Even without its trademark blue, Jack's eyes were captivating. Jack lifted the puppy in his hands and then finished going through Ianto's pockets, only to find the paperwork for the reel machine. Ianto caught hold of himself in the vanity mirror and yowled. What in the devil was going on?

"It's okay, boy! It's okay. We'll figure this out. We'll find your daddy. And boy is he going to get it." Jack checked the answering machine, briefly stopping as he listened to one of Caradine's messages and then, with the puppy in tow, heading to the storage room. Captain Harkness would not be responsible for losing a member of Ianto's family. And really, Ianto was never this irresponsible. There was something amiss.

In hindsight, it was only a wasted trip in that he had to return to the apartment to grab the reels once he found the detailed note about the contents of the "Dad" box. To his credit, Jack had not snooped, no matter how much the urge struck him. He did wonder, however, if Ianto's father's tape measure was still around. He briefly imagined that the puppy glared at him when he made a comment about it. Could puppies glare? Furthermore, why did this one not seem to possess the natural curiosity puppies in a new environment seem to have? And it didn't even want to look out the window during the car ride. It just stared with deep brown eyes, Jack only noticing when he stopped at a red light.

Jack thought it was odd the puppy had the same color eyes as Ianto. He named it Max, so he wouldn't have to keep calling him "the puppy". At least, he hoped Max was a fit. The puppy wouldn't give him the opportunity to check. Max was too well-behaved and it was slightly off-putting.

"Jack, where have you been? Have you found Ianto?"

"Not yet Gwen. But I did find something at his apartment." The bundle in Jack's arms leapt onto Gwen's desk.

Gwen looked at the puppy and then to Jack and then back at the puppy. "Jack, this is a dog."

"I know that. I also found this at Ianto's apartment." 

Gwen took the paper and a realization struck her. She gave Jack a wide-eyed look. "He went after more reels himself?"

"Not only dangerous but irresponsible. If I ever find him, I'm going to ask him what he was bloody thinking. Maybe before I kill him."

"Now, hold on. Let's not get too irrational. Ianto was probably just trying to save everyone else the hassle."

"But where's Ianto?" 

The puppy yelped again and Gwen patted his head. "Jack, have you fed the dog yet?"

"His name is Max, and he does look like he needs a bit of a meal, doesn't he? Think he'd eat a biscuit?"

"I can't see why not." She offered "Max" a biscuit from her current tray and he sniffed it. 

Max rushed off the table and bounded through the center of the hub, skidding a couple of times. Jack raced after him, hoping that he wasn't heading to make a mess in the archives. He called Gwen over wide-eyed when he saw the puppy stopped dead at the coffee machine.

"What is he doing?" she whispered to Jack.

Jack whispered in return. "Let's watch and find out. This is Ianto's puppy after all."

At first, the scale of the machine was overwhelming to Ianto. But he had become very "feng shui" about this whole dreaming experience and decided he would ride it out dutifully. And if it were not a dream, well, he would cross that bridge when it came. His tail drooped as he sat and then lifted expectantly. If a dog could roll up his sleeves, this "Max" surely just had.

The giant calliope of metal and tubes could even bend to Ianto's will as a puppy. He realized quite quickly the futility of using his tiny paws and set to work moving gears and bearing the taste of cotton as he brewed coffee with steam. He was light and capable, just like always. Only this time, there was more fur. And he was naked. Although, he and Jack had had that one time from the list for his birthday. Ianto had to steel himself. He would not, I repeat, would not think about number seven on the list right now!

He licked his nose with his tongue once as he nudged for his favorite snoopy mug with the sky blue background and Jack brought it under the machine. The foam tickled his nose and he sneezed just a bit, but was generally pleased with his work. Ianto Jones, fearsome, subtle, and adaptable. Those were his middle names. And so was Edith. 

Gwen's eyes went wide and her hands leapt into her pockets. "Oh no. I'm not trying coffee a dog made!"

"Would you rather have mine?"

"There's got to be a law somewhere about this..."

"Maybe he's just talented!" Jack picked up the cup and sniffed it, noticing the dog intently watching with curiosity and a bit of a shiver as he raised the cups to his lips.

His eyes matched the wideness of Gwen's pair. Jack's voice cracked just briefly in bewilderment. "Is that you Ianto?"


	2. Chapter 2

It had been one of those exhausting days. And not in that good exhausting sort of way, full of sweat and certain fun activities which required participation from another, or several other people. Jack grinned to himself, although normally he wouldn't be grinning to himself like an idiot. Ianto would have been there.

As if on cue, a bark appeared at the thresh hold, a coffee cup the size of his head hanging from his tiny jaws. The first time it had worried Jack. The second time he had thought it was cute. The third time, it just was part of the routine. That should have disturbed Jack that he could so easily adapt to Ianto being a puppy, formerly known as Max.

Ianto used a special step ladder to set the hot drink just within Jack's reach and then he sat and waited. When Jack reached for it, he whimpered and utilized the puppy eyes. And all hail the puppy eyes. He smiled secretly, having this cute little power over Jack. If he could have written, he would have saved it for future reference to use against the older man.

Jack patted his head with a warm smile and Ianto headed to take another nap on Jack's bed. Jack's scent calmed him in this time, because being a puppy was slightly a nightmare and slightly a handicap, albeit only an annoying one. He was capable, but everything was just a lot bigger than he could handle. He had managed to bully Jack into tying a leash around the filing cabinet drawers so he could open and close them as he needed. Even being a dog, Ianto Jones still had work to do.

Gwen had gone home, her eyes collapsing before the screen as they watched the reel frame by frame, looking for clues. Ianto wished he could signal Jack as to what he was seeing, but even being a puppy Ianto had its limitations. So he watched helplessly as Jack and Gwen fumbled with watching and note-taking, gesturing each other on important bits and generally missing a couple of things.

Jack rubbed his eyes and shook his head, trying to stay awake. All the adrenaline he felt was slipping away very quickly. He ended up back in his own bed, warmed with the body heat of a tiny puppy. He stripped away his shirt and plopped down near the side of the wall. And there, like always, was Ianto.

Jack's arm stretched out and he felt a cold nose imprint itself on his palm. Sleepily, he scratched the softly woofing head and felt something burrow into his armpit. Ianto's tail curled around the rest of his body and that was the last thing Jack felt before he fell asleep.

Ianto was having another Frisbee in the park dream, but this time there were flying squirrels involved. He awoke to the sound of Jack's groaning slightly. During a position change, his toes had hit Jack's pecs and his unclipped nails brushed Jack's skin, leaving slight indents. All that running had woken both of them up.

Jack yawned. "Well, I guess we're both up. How about some coffee, Ianto?"

Ianto woofed sleepily and sauntered out of the office. Jack retrieved a fresh shirt. He began to look over the notes again, shaking his head and both Gwen and his illiterate scribbling. And still they had no clue what had happened or how it could be fixed. Jack's hand crossed over his mouth in thought when Gwen strolled in.

"I've done something." She had a slightly mischievous grin on her face.

"Oh yeah?" Jack cocked his eyebrow.

"Oh yes." Gwen opened a box which held a dog collar. For Ianto. Jack and Ianto both tilted their heads briefly. Jack lowered it to Ianto's level and he sniffed it. He looked back at Gwen. "Well, we can't have him just running about, now can we?"

Ianto barked at Gwen. "Okay, okay. It was just a suggestion."

Ianto continued barking. "I've got it. I'm sorry Ianto."

Ianto still barked away madly. "What is it, Ianto? You need a biscuit?"

Ianto gave Jack a very annoyed look. He took care of that when he needed it. Ianto let his head move sharply in several directions and then it came bearing down on some computer paper. With his teeth, he began to tear strips away from the side and arrange them.

"Jack, he's going to make a mess."

"Now wait. Let's just see what he's up to first."

I have a name you know, Ianto thought.

Jack watched, fascinated, as Ianto spelled out his own last name. "Oh, of course! Why didn't we think of it before?"

"Think of what before?" Gwen gave Jack a curious glance.

"Why did his dad have this reel? Where did he get it from?"

"A rummage sale?"

"That's what I thought. But maybe not. Fancy a ride, Ianto?" Ianto barked expectantly. "Gwen, we're going back to the storage place. I need you to look up all you can find on Ianto's father that's not in our database."

"And where am I supposed to find that information?"

"Try Google. That worked last time." Jack walked out of the Hub, tossing his keys to himself and whistling with Ianto wagging at his heels.

Jack made a mental note at third stoplight they passed. A puppy in the window was definitely the way to pick up any dog lover. And the dog lovers in Cardiff were not bad looking if Jack said so himself. Ianto sat, enjoying both the attention and the feel of the SUV under his paws as he watched the road pass at breakneck speed. He crashed into Jack only once during a steep turn, but at least now he wasn't just pitifully staring. He was enjoying himself.

The commlink beeped as Ianto supervised Jack in which boxes to open and help sort through. His ulterior motive of cleaning and organizing was beginning to be revealed as Jack put his hand on his hips and stared back at the expectant pup, who woofed at him to continue.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" Ianto shot him an innocent look and he shook his head. "Of course you are. Oh, Gwen's calling us. What did you find?"

The line was a bit staticy from a missed update Ianto usually performed. "Jack, Ianto's father was a tailor in the Royal Navy just briefly. The film he received was an official Navy reel off of a decommissioned ship that he once served on."

"Google?"

"No, it's on the inside of the reel. So, only partly Google."

"Where doe we go from here then?"

"Find out if any of Ianto's father's shipmates received reels and then pay them a visit to see if any odd things have happened to them? Maybe we could begin from there."

"Well, Ianto's having me organize boxes, so that shouldn't be hard to find."

"Let me know if you get any more information for me to look up."

"Will do. Harkness out. So, Ianto, your dad was a Royal Tailor too? Anything else you aren't telling me?"

Ianto woofed and let out another of his innocent puppy looks.

"Oh no. I'm not falling for that again. Just sniff out of the box we need."

A few more boxes and the threat of misplaced Snausages later, Jack was looking at a picture of a crew and dialing Gwen again. He fed her about thirty names and she went to work. As the pair headed back to the Hub, they stopped for their weekly ice cream and entertained the small crowd with Ianto's use of a spoon to eat his. They also stopped by the apartment to grab some clothes for Ianto for when they found out how to turn him back.

Jack's commlink beeped, looking for all the world like a Bluetooth device. “Go ahead Gwen.” Jack absentmindedly watched Ianto finish his treat with a warm smile across his face. He tuned back in just in time.

"...Millist. He served as a cook aboard the ship and won the only other reel at a charity event for the soldiers. He has passed on but has a son living in Sheffield. It's quite a ways away though, isn't it?"

"What was that name again?"

"Gerald Millist. I'm sending you the address through the SUV now. You should go check it out, best to leave Ianto in the car."

Ianto barked at Gwen with just a hint of disdain, as though he'd heard her last communiqué.

Jack and Ianto arrived at the shell of a happy country home. The once lush greenery and kept gravel driveway had deteriorated into an abject mess. The windows were hazy with grey dust and the outside of the house needed a good white wash. The gate, however, had been well maintained and gleaming brass hinges squeaked as Jack opened them. He had begrudgingly taken Gwen's advice, leaving the window open a crack for air.

He pounded on the door. "Gerald, Gerald Millist?"

A young man with long, lanky brown hair answered the door. He had an offensively crooked nose and eyes that warned of disturbances clouded just underneath. "I am Gerald Millist Jr. What do you want?"

"I'm with the Archive Preservationist Society and we were informed this morning of a reel of historical importance we would like to use at an upcoming film festival. Apparently your father won it from a decommissioned vessel?"

"I'm sorry, but Dad left most of his things to the Royal Navy in his will. It would be down in the basement, but the place is a mess. You'd never find it. If it was ever here to begin with." 

Gerald went to shut the door sharply. Jack bit his lip as he put his fingers in the way and a sickening crunch followed. "I'd be happy to search."

"I'm afraid unless you come with a warrant, that won't be happening Mr..."

"Harkness, Captain Harkness actually."

"Ah, well, Captain. You can tell your friends and your society that the Millist family has paid its debt and trust me when I say, would like nothing else to do with history or preserving anything." 

The door slammed firmly shut and Jack shook his head as he walked back down the driveway with gravel crackling at his feet. He heard a yowl followed by a litany of curses. He went back to the door and shook it with his fist a few times. "Mr. Millist?"

The sound of crunching gravel under four little paws echoed in Jack's ears. He looked down at Ianto giving him another innocent gaze and trying to woof at him with something in his teeth.

"What did you find, boy?" Jack took the watch from Ianto's teeth and looked it over. The back of the watch had a seal in the silver backing that matched the name of the ship in the picture with Ianto's father.

Captain Jack Harkness slammed himself into the door, full tilt, releasing it of its ancient hinges.

"Your bloody fucking dog tore my wrist apart!"

"Funny, he's usually such a docile creature too. He must not like you very much, Mr. Millist." The watch swung between Jack's fingers. "Tell me about this watch."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Jack snarled and reached for Gerald Jr's. throat. He threw the punk against the wall, next to a framed album cover of Jimi Hendrix. The scent of incense hung all around the sparse and darkened living room. The entire situation annoyed Jack and annoyed Jack easily became disgruntled Jack. Ianto thought that this might be a good tip for villains to know.  
"You are going to tell me where the reel is."

Gerald Jr quivered against the wall. "I don't know. Mum promised me she burned it, promised me it was the last one left."

"What do you know? What did your mother do?"

Gerald's eyes twisted into a grin. "You'll have to let me down first, Captain. I don't negotiate with terrorists."

Jack threw the bum into the only chair in the room. "Tell me." He used every once of his authoritative voice.

"Mum was a hippie Wicca forced into a marriage with Dad. This house? It remains the only thing that brought them together. Mum died a few years back, taking the last reel with her during her cremation."

"Did she know what the reels were capable of?"

"I'm sure she did. Until she died she kept the damn things locked up in the safe. Of course, she was crazy. I never asked many questions."

"So, what is it you do in this house, Mr. Millist?"

"A lot of drugs."

"Ah, so you're honest then. Well then tell me," Jack lifted him up by the scruff of his neck again. "how to fix whatever the reels do or give me one good reason why I shouldn't just waste you right now."

"I don't know." 

Jack cocked his gun masterfully, ridden with danger and suspense. "I'm losing my patience, Mr. Millist."

Gerald began to assume the begging position, but then saw Ianto at eye level and he gasped. "It's him, isn't it?"

"His father received the only other reel. He's my teammate and I need him back. You help me and I'll help you."

"Help me what?"

"Start over."

"I don't want to start over."

"Then what is it you want?"

Gerald grinned wickedly, thinking quite well of himself. "A pet dinosaur." 

Jack didn't skip a beat. "Okay." Ianto barked in protest and Jack vacillated glares between the two.

Gerald gulped. "Well, as much as I could gather from Mother's diary, there was a spell involved that used the blood of the family line and some form of transferal wreath featuring some sacred herb or two. I don't know the incantation. It might have been in my mother's diary."

He ran off upstairs, breaking out into a cold sweat. Jack cocked his eyebrows as Ianto tried to glare at him. "Don't worry. I have a plan. You're not going to lose Myfanwy anytime soon." Ianto snorted in approval.

The sound of shoes running all over floorboards assaulted Jack's ears while dust floated down from the rafters. Gerald skidded back down the stairs, eager to have the visitors off of his property and to be alone again. "Here, her diary. If the spell wasn't memorized, it was here."

There were pages upon pages of gibberish writing in long hand slanted cursive. Jack spread it on the floor before Ianto while he called Gwen for Latin phrase translations, figuring most spells to be Latin based. Ianto furiously turned pages with his teeth.

"Sorry about this, I never meant for anyone to have this happen to them."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

"I wasn't talking to you, Captain."

Ianto woofed, mouth full of paper, and moved his shoulders forward in a shrugging motion. Gerald hoped that meant he understood.

There it was on page 67. A spell of anger transferal. Ianto wondered if that female protester near the center of the casket had been her. He'd worry about that later.

Jack looked down as Ianto put his paw over the page. "Can you read Latin?"

Gerald shook his head and Ianto woofed. It was all down to Gwen then.

"I've got some translation pages from a Wicca database. What are the letters then Jack?"

For almost an hour, he fed her letters and she would murmur aha or oh dear a few times. At the end of the hour, Ianto was giddy with hope. When he heard the suv machine printing out the spell in English, he ran out the busted front door to go retrieve it.

Gerald looked into his hallway. "You're going to fix that, right?"

Jack gave a non-committal grunt as Ianto came in, dragging three pages of hefty spell.  
Jack put his hands over his chin. "We need elderberry, including thorns, and something called wormwood."

"Mum kept an elderberry bush outside and I believe there is wormwood in the kitchen next to the coriander. It's old, but it should still be useful."

Ianto began to bark in frustration as Gerald and Jack spent an hour pricking themselves with elderberry thorns making a wreath that mirrored the one from the reel.

"I hope you appreciate all that I do for you" Jack teased Ianto. And Ianto woofed a bit and wriggled into his side, giving him more puppy dog eyes.

"Get a room."

"Just keep working."

Two hours later, Gerald dragged down a prop coffin from the attic as the sun was beginning to set and laid the wreath on top. 

"Okay" Gerald began to instruct from the doorway. "The scene is set same as in the reel, correct? Well, all we need to do now is have the spellbound prick their finger, or paw, again, and that should do it."

Should do it? Ianto’s thoughts raced with a hint of panic.

"Don't bark at me like that, Ianto. I've never done anything like this before."

Jack shrugged and lifted Ianto onto the casket, where he proceeded to feel that same haze hit him as he crushed his paw against the sturdy reef. He fell asleep almost immediately, dreaming of Jubilee Pizza and bad night soaps on the telly.

He felt something creak under him as he awoke. Ianto didn't open his eyes, but wiggled his fingers first. They actually wiggled. Had it worked?

Jack gave out a whoop and ran to hug Ianto, who slipped off the coffin and ran behind a lampshade. 

"Jack, I'm naked."

"But you're human again"

"Jack, I'm standing behind a dirty lampshade and I'm naked."

"And apparently, you're not furry either," Gerald added with a sneer.

"Shut up Gerald! Jack, I'm standing behind a dirty lampshade in the countryside of Sheffield NAKED!"

"Oh, you want clothes then." Jack gave a disappointed look downwards as he want back to the SUV to retrieve the clothes they'd gotten earlier from his apartment.

"So, this is awkward." Gerald stood at the threshold to the room, not saying anything, just gawking at Ianto behind a lampshade stark naked.

"There aren't anymore reels then?" Ianto asked in order to make conversation.

"None that I'm aware of."

"He wasn't really lying,” Ianto added, “we do have a dinosaur."

Ianto changed behind the lampshade when Jack came back with close, much to Jack's feigned dismay and they left Gerald without fixing the door Jack had broken down.

Gerald shrugged as he sat with his amalgamation of pills, noticing a tiny white pill that hadn't been there earlier. Gerald Millist Jr. then inhaled his very own special short term amnesia pill. He'd wake up in the morning to discover a coffin in the center of his living room and his door busted down without any memory of how or why it had happened.

Gwen finally got through to Jack as they got back on the main road. "Any luck then? I've been trying to call you for an hour or so. We need Ianto back to run a maintenance check."

Ianto cocked his eyebrow, wondering if they should tell her.

"We're on our way back.,” Jack answered. “Go home Gwen. The drive will take awhile."

"Is he human again, then?"

"I'm sorry, Gwen. You're breaking up. I'm having some trouble hearing you." Jack turned his comm link off after that.

"You're a wicked man, Jack Harkness." 

Jack gave an evil grin in reply and then arched his brow at Ianto. "So, I was thinking about renaming Torchwood if that spell wouldn‘t have worked."

"And what were you thinking of renaming it?"

"Puppy wood." 

Ianto wrinkled his nose in response.

"No good? Well then, what would you have called it?"

"The Puppy Brigade."


End file.
